Cancering Out

My oncologist appreciated the phrase I coined (he works with cancer patients all day, can't believe no one else ever said it): cancering out. It can be good or bad, like "I am totally cancering out of work today" or "I don't want to get cancered out of my Mexican resort vacation!"

Anyway. One of the benefits of cancer is that everyone gets that it sucks, but most people (who have never had it) aren't really sure how much. So they sort of let you be like "Sorry I was late to work, I have cancer." Could be total BS, but it sounds really serious and true.

In my case it is unfortunately true and fair. Because thanks to a cancer of the immune system (which lymphoma is) and some other sciencey crap I don't care about, most days at like 9:30pm I basically come down with the flu. Aches, pains, sore throat. I start running a fever. All night I am hot and cold simultaneously and I wake up drenched in my own sweat. But it's clammy and I'm still cold. I sleep terribly.

Or else I am covered in an itchiness that comes from the inside that no amount of scratching can help. Or itchiness + flu, for laughs. Oh, and joint pain? My hands and feet and knees hurt. Sometimes I have trouble with stairs, like an oldie.

The cure? Poison for my body. Awesome.

So yea, I'm not coming in to work on time. I'm cancering out of all kinds of shit. Like whatever I can get away with! Because on the flip side I am getting cancered out of good stuff. Halloween partying? Cancered out for the most part. My favorite holiday and I couldn't even have a beer, and I was super excited that Cinderella flu didn't kick in so I could even stay until 11:30(!) although I was SO ITCHY THE WHOLE TIME.

The trips I had planned to visit friends? Nope, cancer. Plus I really *do* have a Mexican resort vacation planned for March and the threat of being cancered out of it is REAL. (Although my oncologist says I can totally go. So we'll see.)

And I can't exactly cancer out of surgery tomorrow, now can I?

Pity, party of one.