Thursday, May 24, 2012

June 6th

I won't know anything until June 6th.

I do a PET scan on the 4th and then that's when I get the results. That has been the case since the day I walked out of my last radiation treatment. I won't know anything until June 6th.

If you think all this waiting around, wondering how shitty my future might be has worn on me, yea it has. I am fucking tired of it and my main emotional response has been anger.

Most of that anger has come out at work. Well, rephrase: most of that anger has been oriented towards work. I have been EXCEPTIONALLY AWESOME at not walking out and being like "Fuck you clowns" even though I have wanted to really bad like every day for a month and a half.

Something about being dealt a shitty hand... just makes my tolerance for bullshit go way down. This is what I've been working so hard for all my life? To slave away for shit pay at a dead end job and have everyone think I'm not good enough at it? But be too passive-aggressive to tell me because they don't want to shit on the guy who has cancer?

Anyway, I won't know anything until June 6th. But how do you feel Scott? Other than the fact that my first symptom (pain when I drink alcohol) has more or less returned, I feel fine, just fine. And that's what I tell people: I feel pretty good.

Well, that's a good sign right? I won't know anything until June 6th.

There are bad signs, and there is the absence of bad signs. Cancer doesn't have good signs.