TMI

A lot of people have been asking me (literally no one), so due to popular demand (seriously, you should probably stop reading) I thought I would let you all know that I did bank my sperm, and (relative of course to only my experience at the one place where I went) here's what I have to say about it:

1. You get 8 magazines and a TV playing a porno that has no sound. You can't choose or change it, rewind or fast forward.

2. "The cup is larger for you convenience. We do not need you to fill it." Expected this, still could have used a bigger cup. What can I say, I'm a well-endowed man with terrible, terrible aim.

2.5. "Most samples barely cover the bottom of the cup." It's pretty intense, the expectations management these assistants have to go through to make sure we're not all utterly emasculated by this process. The crazy thing about it is that it probably IS necessary for many men, who define the norm not by what their body regularly does but by what porn star freaks (and sometimes special effects) can achieve. I would like to state, for the record, that barely covering the bottom of the cup is still somehow in my case "11 vials." My fee covers storage of up to 36. I have no idea what any of that means. Whatever! *chest pound* 11 vials bitches!

3. The facility consists of a reception area and then the lab. Off of the lab are two rooms for "producing specimens." There is no sound-proofing of any kind. The entire time I 'produced my specimen' I listened to two young lady nurses (better? worse?) talk about the TV show Ever After (or something like that, if that is in fact a TV show). Thankfully I do not require primal grunts or triumphant yells of "SHHHHhhhia LaBeouf!" to conduct this business, as that may have increased the awkwardness.

4. If any of this sounds sexy, it is not. It is mostly creepy and uncomfortable. Perfectly sexy to fantasize about LATER, after the fact, but while actually doing it in what is essentially a doctor's office in a room where other, strange men masturbate all day long listening to strangers listening to you is, for me at the very least, about as unsexy as things can get without old men and/or family members being present.

5. I was told that if I did miss the cup at all, I should let them know. Thankfully I did not.*

6. Lubricants (even saliva) interfere with the sample, so to put this in gentleman's terms, I had to raw dog it. Which I never do, FOR A GOOD REASON.

7. I have been to doctors' offices where there is a little cubby for you to leave a urine sample that is picked up by someone soon after so you don't have to walk around a busy waiting room with your pee or something. No such policy here. I handed a cup full of my semen (cup full is an extreme overstatement) directly to a nurse who, thanks to my having been raised right, I probably thanked.

8. It cost me $800, but I think my insurance is going to cover it. Anyway I am ready to yell at a lot of people until they do. And my friend is a lawyer whose specialty is not, but probably should be, cases involving sperm.

9. If they didn't get what they needed, that sucks, because I start chemo tomorrow first thing in the AM.

Finally I would like to say that my interest in sex in the last few weeks has been on par with my interest in everything else, which is to say it does not exist. Cancer funk, I assume. I feel like it's on its way out, but today's trauma might have set me back, and chemo probably comes with its own funk. I should probably get some action tonight despite, since chemo sperms are like pretty toxic and I need to keep them away from my lady.

In conclusion, thanks cancer, for making even sex and masturbation kind of suck.

*Let them know.