In my last post I mentioned 'good news' was I thing I'm getting bored of, cancerwise. Downright annoyed. And even though there is probably no way to express this without sounding whiny or ungrateful, let me try to explain what I mean. This is going to be a long post.
Good is not absolute for me anymore. It's always relative.
I mean I guess you could argue that the concept 'good' is always relative, but I think practically speaking there's plenty of stuff we can agree is good in a more 'Absolute' sense, like when someone gives you money or orgasms or free beer. Other things are only good relative to less good things. Like for example if you are seeing a doctor for cancer, that is bad. You have cancer. If the doctor is a really good one, that is good, but only due to the fact that it would be EVEN WORSE if your bad cancer was in the hands of a bad doctor.
And relative good news can actually get frustrating. Is saying "remember, it could be worse" some kind of wisdom I am supposed to be thankful for 100% of the time? Other people (let's call them Non-Cancers, or NCs) seem to have a need higher than my own to latch on to the relative good. Maybe it's because they don't know what to say (which is fair). Maybe they are scared. Maybe they think that's what "staying positive" means (it isn't). Maybe it's just awkward when someone goes "Hey, what's up, I have cancer." (Sorry 'bout that, everybody!)
[Not that anyone should feel bad for being happy to hear I'm not dying, and expressing that. There is a place for the relative good. It is, in fact, good in its own way. None of this really applies to my friends, who have been great. It's more about how for me lately 'good' is always of this relative kind -- gets to feel a bit unfair. ::shakes fist at cancer::]
I have processed the relative good news and I want to be clear: I am grateful for it. I was told I have cancer, you know? That's some pretty stomach-knotting, ball-tightening, life-changing fucking news. Then I was told: "It is treatable. Curable. You will be fine." I think at that point I was in a unique position to see how that is A GOOD THING. And feel grateful for it.
But NCs are gonna keep saying stuff like "you have the best doctors in the world, that is good news" and "your cancer is one that you can handle" and "your chemo shouldn't be as bad as it might have been because you caught your cancer early, this is wonderful!" I feel somewhat obliged to smile and say "Yes, praise Jesus!" because to do otherwise would be like saying "I do not appreciate the value of my life" or "I fail to understand the plight of the many worse off than I."
But actually, I know the value of these relative goods more than anybody! It's still my life we're talking about, and sometimes I feel like reminding people that less chemo is still chemo, you know? There's a spectrum here! Treatable cancer is better than incurable cancer, but still worse than NO CANCER (which is what you have, tradesies?). If you cling so hard to the 'good' news, you don't necessarily help me stay positive, you deny me the right to be negative. Leave a space open for the bad, a space for me to bitch about what sucks about cancer. Sometimes that's what I need.
Listen for a few minutes while I kvetch about being sweaty! And validate that it sounds craptastic. For me, venting about the bad is a part of staying positive.
In conclusion, and I can't speak for everyone, if someone tells you "I have cancer" you may think the right answer is something affirming like "I know you will be fine," but if it's me or someone as crazy as I that you're talking to, consider something more along the lines of "Eeesh, that blows a pork sausage." May put you more on the same page.
PS: I would LOVE some good news. I would straight up stab a baby seal for like one piece of honest-to-goodness news that is, for me personally, awesome. Not "good news, this excruciating surgery is over" good, not "there should be minimal scarring" good, not even "there are funds that will help you pay for all these hospital co-pays" good. Yes, all good things that have their place. But to balance the bad, I need like a real tally in the win column -- like scratch-ticket winning good, publication in a poetry journal good, snow day good.
PPS: To balance the emo quality of this post, I should point out that I do have one daily win that I am grateful for. My girlfriend putting up with my moodiness, coming to the hospital five thousand times, cooking all kinds of deliciousness, giving me backrubs and fetching me Tylenol -- she is a fierce force of awesome pretty much single-handedly kicking cancer's ass. She was good before cancer, she's great now, and she will still be good when this is in the rear-view. I'd call that a win.
Still, wouldn't mind finding a treasure map or something.
6 comments:
Maybe there should be a word other than good for this sort of stuff. It is of course relatively less unfortunate that you're going to almost certainly be ok but it is sucktastic that you have to go through all of this awful stuff right now. It's also relatively less unfortunate that you're able to express the way you feel about stuff instead of letting people put you in the "good news" box and suppress the way your really feel. Anyhow, the main bit of actually-good news in my life lately is the Mexico trip aka Supervacation2012, which it seems reasonably assured that you will be going on, yes?
A radical feminist blogger I adore but kind of find scary because she is radical-er than I wrote pretty bluntly (with photos, sometimes) about her breast cancer a while back, and your post reminded me a bit of this one of hers, which I posted a piece of below. Maybe you wouldn't want to read her stuff now because it is kind of gruesome, but she talks a lot about the social pressure to don the pink ribbon and get excited about "good news."
"Complaining is not virtuous, I realize. In fact, thanks to the corporate breast cancer mascot — the plucky, pinkified Breast Cancer Survivor (TM) who’s popularized the insane idea that women embrace the disease as an opportunity for personal growth — there is nothing in this world so unpleasant as a breast cancer sufferer who
– isn’t grateful
– doesn’t feel lucky
– won’t suffer nobly in silence
– thinks all those pious pink volunterrorists are deluded
– believes that the pseudo-concerned Racers-for-the-Cure luxuriate at her expense in a false sense of meaningless “philanthropy”
– is hopping mad over the expectation that she pretend she still has tits
– is even hopping-madder over the expectation that she shut the fuck up
I’m even hopping madder that I find myself capitulating. “So how’re you doing?” people ask me, and I almost always answer that I’m doing “great.” Because it would seem so ungracious to answer any other way. I mean, since after all I’m not dead and wouldn’t it be greedy and ungrateful of me to expect more than that?"
http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/2007/05/14/i-said-who-put-all-those-things-in-your-head/
Wow it is great to read that. Very validating. You know, I've always had a thing with the Races. Like Jeff from Community once said comparing religion to Paul Rudd: "I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I also would never stand in line for it."
Well not exactly that, but I mean I get why people do it and I get how it can be a good thing. But it also seems like a great way to communally expunge a lot of NC survivor's guilt. Which is also maybe a good thing! But I don't really want to be a part of it.
I do want to be a part of Supervacation, but it's unlikely I can drink much if it all and I will probably be squeezing the trip in BETWEEN chemo sessions. (Being in the sun will hence be like 200 times more dangerous for me, which is no excuse because that's still only half as dangerous as it is for your Mexican roommate). Not sure now if it's worth the $1400 to sit in the shade and drink virgin coladas.
Well, with the 11 or whatever of us going now, we've got: 2 gingers, 1 abstainer, several who aren't big drinkers, and several of us who want to do some activities that are a bad idea while drunk. At least half of us have a primary purpose of going other than being wasted in the sun all day, so I think it's reasonably safe to say that as long as you're not puking your guts out all week or otherwise feeling horrible, it'll still be fun. Plus $1400 to sit in the shade and drink an ENDLESS STREAM OF VIRGIN COLADAS IN MEXICO OUTDOORS IN THE WINTER? I think it's kind of a bargain.
Make that 3 gingers, since I'm pretty sure your gf qualifies as well even if she's not quite as see-through as the boys.
I usually use the "it could be worse" line when talking about movies, but only in so far as talking about shit movies saying, "Look, is 'Cop Out' worse than 'Transformers 3' sure, but still that's like falling out a window and only breaking one leg and calling it a win. It's better to not fall out the window."
That's a bad example, but I'm having trouble being creative because of your debbie downer of a blog whenever i try to pull up hilarious anecdotes all i see is cancer cancer cancer.
Its like the brady bunch thing with marsha marsha marsha, actually, i might paint.net that up tonight.
muahahahahah
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