Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

I can't imagine who would read this blog. You know what I am sick of? Cancer. Thinking about fucking cancer all the time. Talking about cancer. Why would anyone read so much about it? It's not even affected, it's not like I am latching on to it thinking "thank god, I am interesting now that I have cancer."

People ask me 'what are you up to this weekend?' and in my head I am like CANCER. The actual answer is usually "I dunno, video games, maybe the bar on Saturday" because I do still have a regular life that continues to go on with normal experiences despite this, ahhm, setback.

But cancer is still there all the damn time. It moved into my body and my thoughts and now there isn't like a second of any damn day that I can just forget cancer and chemo. It's like it is the only thing going on in my life.

If I knew me I would avoid me so as to not have to talk to me about cancer.

The already derailed progress of my life and plans have been taken over by cancer and I get to walk around being like "at least I didn't get worse cancer."

On the days I feel ok, I go to work and people ask me reasonable questions about things I need to be doing or have already done and all I can think is "Why would I care about that when I have cancer?"

Hey at least I don't feel like shit today! Yea!

An oncology nurse even offered to get me in touch with a social worker or therapist so I can talk about my feelings about cancer.

CANCER CANCER CANCER.

These are not cancer symptoms, they are depression symptoms.

I get myself through the day by looking forward to the future when I will be able to think "Man, I am so glad I don't have cancer any more, but too bad I am still a depressed mess with a shitty life."

I want to think as little as possible about anything.

At least my beard is awesome.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think you've put into words exactly how I feel too. Loved the part that included "at least I am interesting now I have cancer". Ok, so I never thought that either, but it made me laugh.

Personally, I don't want to talk to people about it either. I wish they'd go away to be honest.