Not Entirely Cancer's Fault I GUESS

Now that I've got all my disorganized miserable thoughts out, I guess I'm ready to look at my situation more level-headedly:

1. I'M TIRED. Worrying about cancer, all the shit my body is going through... It's a full time job and I've had no days off. That has not put me in a good place.

2. When I talk about my whole life being shitty I really just mean my inability to imagine a future in which I feel fulfilled by my career in any way. I have worked for a decade towards a goal I no longer believe is achievable. Even if that goal is no longer achievable because of choices I have made, that still counts. It still disappoints. And I have no back up plan. I find that panic worthy. Even if I focus on those other parts of my life that are going well like my awesome girlfriend that I'm totally going to put babies in some day, I realize that in that future I am still too poor to raise a family. What I'm saying is I need to get back to the projects that keep me sane. Cancer has derailed that and makes it harder to get back but if I don't work on some poems and read some lit crit or practice French or dabble on a screenplay or SOMETHING I am going to lose my mind. I should probably think about mobilizing a search for a new job once I get better, too.

3. I need to do more things for me and feel less guilty about it. Specifically, I am declaring myself done feeling bad that people in the office have to work harder if I am there less or less efficient when I'm there. That's not my problem. I didn't choose to get cancer and days off come with the cancer territory. Like the one I took today. The thing about sick days when you have cancer is that they are always really sick days. I don't even care that I'm making less money. In fact, I am planning a leave of absence that will even further damage my wallet while putting more strain on the office! Because it's what I need.

4. I like to push my body with my bad habits because I don't want to let cancer win, but clearly I need to hydrate more and exercise. I joined a getfit program through work where I log my exercise minutes and my co-workers do too, so hopefully the mutual encouragement should help motivate me.

I don't know if being level-headed and itemizing my problems has helped at all. It definitely did not cure my cancer! But it makes me feel more like I have a plan and am taking steps to get to a better place, which is clearly what I need. Without a plan I just dissolve into miserable shit and that is no fun for anybody.