Saturday, October 20, 2012

Nutbars

Distrust writers. I distrust writers. They're all narrating themselves far too much in their heads. It can't be fucking healthy.

The BiCNU damaged my lungs. That's one of the chemo drugs they gave me. The one that was massively recalled in the days just after my transplant. Which my hospital neglected to address with me in any official capacity. And even ignored my request for more information. But anyway.

It's not abnormal for this lung damage to happen. Something like 20% of people, it turns out, are poisoned by poison.

The damage is reparable so long as I take a bunch of steroids for a month or so. Pretty sure Prednisone has been considered an extenuating circumstance in murder trials so if I seem a little off you will have to forgive me.

I'm not totally sure what's behind my manic purposefulness of late. It's easy to assume steroids is the reason why I can't stop DOING something for five fucking minutes and just sit and relax. And maybe it is. I think that's kind of what steroids do.

On the other hand, maybe being trapped in my own sickness for so god damn long has made me absolutely nutbar for being able to LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE FOR HALF A SECOND.

All this energy going towards packing lunches and cleaning and hanging out with fall produce. It's only going to get me so far. Then I'm going to have to start writing again. And that just seems like the craziest outcome of all.

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