Recently I've been wondering if maybe I am not forceful enough in my invitations. For example if people suggest visiting me at the hospital or at home after chemo, and I say "that might be good, but I might not be the best company, I'm not sure when is a good time, I can't go out or drink or do anything fun" -- this sounds like some kind of deflection. Like I'm really saying: Back off. Don't intrude on my cancer life.
People don't always know what to say to someone in my situation. They remind me how lucky I am and tell me they know I will be ok. Since the clean PET, some people have even assumed I'm doing great. "You must be so happy." How can they know I'm in the worst of it?
But it shouldn't be so hard to figure out that someone in my situation knows what to say even less. You can't find the right response to suffering, so how should I? I'm just making up this dealing with cancer shit as I go. I know what to say about it even less.
To the point where it's a quandary every time someone asks "How are you doing?"
And they should ask. YOU SHOULD ASK. I just have to figure out how much honesty and detail go into the answer every individual time, on a case by case basis. Repeat the litany of symptoms, side effects and experiences. Answer complicated medical questions. It's exhausting. And I am fresh out of energy for things. (Like refilling my water glass, or fetching a pen. Anemia's a bitch.)
I want to wear a sign that says "Ask me how I'm doing if you like bad news."
Scenario: I call you up and say "What are you doing Friday? Let's hang out." You say sure. Friday rolls around. Surprise! I feel like shit. I call you up and say "Never mind, if you show up I will barf on your face." That's what's going to happen sometimes if you plan in advance with a person who has cancer.
Alternately: I call you up and say "What are you doing right now?" You say "stuff." Welp, guess you're not coming over then.
Or you say "nothing." I make the following sweet pitch: "Want to come to my small, messy apartment and listen to me bitch about my life? Caveat: I might lose my shit."
It's hard to ask people to give up doing something fun to make them commiserate with you. You start to figure "if so-and-so wanted to spend some time bored on my sofa, he'd do it already" -- even though I can rationally ask myself: why would anyone come over uninvited? Or if I make it sound like it's a terrible idea?
When things get shitty, I don't think it matters much what people say. What people do is more important anyway.
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