Friday, March 30, 2012

55%: The Resentment Post

I have some Cancer Feelings that aren't great. Not sure what to do about them. In 50/50, Joseph Gordon-Levett just yells really loud at one point, but I think in real life you write a long nasty post in your blog about it.

I'd like it all to be gratitude and empowerment. But sometimes I just want a foot rub to distract me from the throat pain in the same INSTANT that I want my girlfriend to stop acting like I'm a big baby and she needs to take care of me 100% of the time. I can go to the hospital by myself. I can handle my ailments. I don't know why I am projecting all that crap onto her just because she is always so ready to help. She's not trying to make me feel bad at all. But if I start to feel better, then I have to be a regularly contributing human in our domestic and interpersonal dynamic, and not The Sick One, and I'm not entirely ready for that.

Readiness is a sore spot right now. Everyone's being really positive about how I'm just blowing through radiation treatments. If I hear the phrase "home stretch" one more time I am going to lose it. You can't just fast forward to the part where I feel better with stupid expressions. I am in treatment with worsening symptoms and there will be a recovery period of weeks, maybe months. I carry around unpleasant sensations all day (including my awful shin splints -- not a cancer thing, but I can barely walk, it is ridiculous) so don't expect me to bound into the room and talk about cancer like it is already in the past.

And I hate it when people tell me what's going on in their life and then have to add "Obviously it's not as bad as cancer." Deal with your guilt better. I'm here to listen to you tell me about your life. Do you think I am keeping a secret suffering tally in which I am always winning? Sort of assumes I am a douchebag, if my actual thought in that moment is "Jeez, this guy with his bad day at work. Doesn't he know I have cancer?" We both know cancer basically beats traffic jam. That doesn't mean I am incapable of sympathizing with how obnoxious all those bad drivers are. Plus, everything is relative. Everyone has their shit. When I am done having cancer I will still have problems and how much relief will I really even be able to give myself by thinking "at least I no longer have cancer"?

I know people are tired of hearing about cancer. Tired of not knowing what to say, mostly, which I am also resentful about. Just say "That sucks" every so often SO THAT I KNOW YOU ARE STILL LISTENING. It's not too much to ask and it really isn't that hard. No one expects you to say something deep that heals my soul. The whole "it's so overwhelming, I don't even know what to say" response is such a cop out.

In fact, here's a response to one of my recent email whines about people being vapidly religious and positive at me. To show you how it is done:

"I have trouble being positive about most things, so I can only imagine my cynicism if I got dealt the cancer card. I would be weirded out and think you were actually dying if you became zen-like and cheery. And between you and me, I think most people who find solace in god can't be thinking all that hard."

It was good to hear these thoughts and I am glad for the friend that shared them with me. See how when she tried to put herself in my shoes I wasn't like "WHAT YOU COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND." That is the opposite reaction of how I feel. I appreciate people using their imagination to consider what I am going through. And I definitely appreciate someone saying "That sounds like bollocks" way more than "Hey, I wanted you to know, I am reading your blog, but I just never know what to say, you know? So just like know, that I am reading it."

4 comments:

Dave said...

You're in the home stretch and I want you to know I'm reading your blog.

Rosalie said...

What Dave said. Also, praying for you, buddy.

Iain said...

Let me just say that reading this after we chatted earlier made me really take stock of the things I said and worry that I might have said one of these bonehead things. I hope I just said "That sucks."

Unknown said...

Half the resentment is that I am in a situation in the first place about which there is little positive to say that is genuine. It's not really like lots of people are fumbling it so hard. Mostly just my mom. I'm just frustrated by cancer and I needed to bitch a little.