I am drinking again and it is glorious.
A little dangerous, really, since I have a thirst to begin with and now I am making up for lost time. Everyone is very supportive of me stuffing my face with whatever I come across since 137 is not enough pounds for me to be. But is it also cool if I just get wasted every day for the next month?
Plenty of calories in beer.
Really, I am very conflicted and it's going to be a weird transition. First off the degree to which I missed drinking is a clear sign of a problem. It can't be healthy. Plus every time I've opened a beer in the last week (I had at least one Friday through Monday) I've thought "Is this a bad call? I still have cancer, maybe." I have weird, new guilt about things I used to do without much thought.
I mean what is the relationship between alcohol and my cancer? Alcohol definitely made me more symptomatic in the beginning -- made me feel worse. It seemed like alcohol + cancer was bad.
It all just goes back to not knowing where this cancer came from. If I go back to all the same old habits, eating junk and getting drunk, exercising practically never, will I just get cancer again? Did anything that I did or didn't do even have anything to do with my getting cancer in the first place? No one really knows.
It's one of those "if you don't change your direction, you will end up where you're headed" things. I don't want to get more cancer, if it's at all avoidable. I would like to work on healthier habits. But I don't want to feel anxious and guilty every time I indulge.
I'm not cool with living in fear that the cancer's coming back or believing deep down that getting cancer is somehow all my fault.
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